So to continue the tales of terror ;-) I should tell you the story of my second child's birth. I didn't realise it at the time but I had had some Prenatal Depression with that pregnancy. We found out late in the pregnancy (34 weeks) that the baby was a girl. I was a bit disappointed at first, I had pictured a little boy in my head the whole pregnancy so far and it was hard to let go of that picture. By the time the baby was born I would say my feelings had progressed to ambiguous.
At my 39 week visit to the ob I had finally convinced him to give me an induction on the due date, this was only a week before Christmas and I DID NOT want my baby to have a birthday on Christmas day, I needn't have worried. The night two days before the baby was due I couldn't sleep, I don't know how many times I got in and out of bed but it was a lot. I kept getting up and doing things around the house because I couldn't sleep. The following morning was a Monday and I asked my husband to stay home from work because I was not feeling well and didn't think I could cope with our 2.5 yo son. I had a sleep in the morning and then I suggested that seeing as we were both home that it might be a good time to do some grocery shopping. Once we got there I went to town. We walked out of the supermarket with a trolley that was piled high with food. Lots and lots and lots of meat. lol it makes me laugh to think about it now, why didn't I realise what was going on? So we got home and my poor husband had to unpack the car and put everything into the fridge/freezer. I sat down while he did this, I was starting to feel even worse and the "cramps" I had been having for weeks were getting much much worse. Finally it dawned on me, I was in labour. My first labour had been induced so I had no idea what prelabour and the normal slow build up of labour was like. I said something to my husband and he started making calls about getting grandparents to our place to look after our eldest. I asked him to make me some pasta to eat. That is all I felt like, pasta with some cheese on it. Duh my body knew what it was doing better than I did, stock up on some complex carbs for the hard work ahead. Unfortunately I never got that pasta, I was sitting there and I felt this little "pop" half way up my belly on the left side. I said to my husband and Mum (who had just got there) that I thought my water had just broken, but no, no gush of liquid that the movies have programed us to expect. Then I needed to go to the toilet so I got up, there it was, that feeling of doing a wee without doing a wee. When I got back from the toilet my husband had called the hospital to let them know we would be coming in soon, I still wanted to eat my pasta, but they wanted to talk to me. As soon as the midwife talked to me she said she wanted me to come in. I guess they don't know how quickly things move with second babies. So my husband and I got in the car, half way to the hospital I was suddenly glad that we were on our way, with the fluid gone the baby's head was now pushing on my cervix and suddenly the contractions went from mildly uncomfortable to downright painful. Suddenly I remembered all the pain from my first labour and was frightened. I was convinced I would not cope this time any better than I did last time. We walked into the hospital, having to pause frequently while I had a contraction. Eventually we got up to the birthing suite and I told the midwife I wanted an epidural. She looked at me and said "you only just got here" but I was terrified and the other midwife took one look at my face and responded "we can do that" and left to order it. Thank goodness for empathetic midwives. I might have been able to cope with that labour but the fact I was starting out terrified of the pain would not really have helped.
So another 8 hours of labour (so much for second babies being quicker) the midwife tells me to ease off on the epidural. Finally it is time to push. So I pushed, this time the baby was not in distress and I could take my time. Still the second stage of labour only took half an hour. And my baby girl was born. She didn't cry either. They put her on my chest but I didn't take one look at her and fall in love like I had done with my son, I thought she was ugly and smelt bad. I said I was hungry, I never did get that pasta, and the midwife went to get something for me, but before she got back I started vomiting everywhere. She walked back in with some sandwiches and took one look at me and said "you aren't going to want these!" and walked out again. After cleaning up etc I was sitting in a wheel chair ready to go to my room and my mum tried to hand the baby back to me, I refused and told her she should have a cuddle. What I was thinking was "I wonder if he [husband] will let me give her away". It is a horrible thing to think but at the time I had totally rejected her. It took three days before I started to bond with her. Now she is my darling girl and I couldn't imagine life with out her and I have since found out that these feelings weren't "wrong" or "bad" but actually fairly common. It can happen to any of us and we should NEVER feel guilty about them.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Things NOT to say to a pregnant woman!
It is amazing when you are pregnant how your well being seems to become everyone else business. Everyone seems to have advice or an opinion on what you should be eating/wearing/doing/not doing/even thinking. And a lot of that advice or opinions are contradictory. One thing you really need to do is think for yourself. Listen to what everyone says but give weight to those you trust, your doctor your midwife etc. Don't listen if something your elderly aunt says contradicts what your midwife has told you, who is really going to know more, the woman who had children a long long time ago or someone who has studied medicine for years. Most of the advice is pretty banal, but it can also get downright bizarre. Like the number of times I have been told that my having heart burn while I am pregnant means my baby is going to be born with hair. What the...? What the hell does the fact that my esophagus does not function entirely well (at any time, I don't just get reflux or heartburn when I am pregnant) have to do with the follicle growth of my baby?
But then we get to the upsetting, distressing and downright nasty/dangerous things pregnant woman get told:
1. Your morning sickness/back ache/pelvic pain is all your own fault! after all you decided to have a baby didn't you!
Well actually this time around I didn't but that is beside the point. What does wanting a child have to do with pain or suffering that can unfortunately go with pregnancy? Do you think it will make me feel better? Does your saying that somehow remind me that this will be all worth it in the end and hey presto I feel better? No this is a comment designed to make the commentator feel better. The fact that you are suffering bothers them and they can't do anything to help you, but they remind themselves that you did voluntarily enter into your current physical state so that is ok. These same people would never dream of telling someone dying of lung cancer that they did smoke so therefore it is all their own fault. Or a paraplegic that they were the ones speeding when their car crashed. But somehow the fact that you are in pain of feel like death can be dismissed because you are pregnant.
2. Don't worry about that that is normal!
This is one I have heard more than a few times. I got told that my son slowing down in his movements was normal, that the pain in my back was normal etc etc. None of these things are normal. If it is bothering you talk to your health carer. A lot of these so called "normal" problems and conditions during pregnancy can be helped if not fixed. Don't listen to anyone telling you something is normal if it is bothering you. As a matter of fact in the case of my son's movements it indicated he was in distress and that was something the doctor needed to know. If I had not said something about it I hate to think what might have happened.
3. We never worried about that in MY day!
The same people that will tell you they didn't worry about eating soft cheeses or drinking or smoking in "their" day will probably tell you how wonderful it is that medicine has come so far. Just because someone 20 or 30 years ago didn't worry about these things does not mean you should not. Again this can be just down right dangerous advice. If you have been told to worry about it, then worry about it. It is your baby and just because the person giving you the "advice" didn't have any problems it doesn't mean there are not plenty of other people who did. With the taboo around talking about pregnancy and neonatal loss it is quiet possible that at least some of these people DID have a problem with it they just don't know that is what caused their loss.
4. Wow you are huge/are not that big!
This is one of those comments that can be annoying or down right hurtful. There are a lot of things that dictate what "size" a pregnant woman will be. There is a good reason why doctors and midwives don't use your physical appearance to judge the growth of the baby or how far along you are, it is too variable! So having someone tell you you are huge when you are 20 weeks pregnant just makes you feel self conscious. On the other side being told you are small for how far along you are can also make you feel self conscious or even worried about your baby. Given that we are all different shapes and sizes to begin with and babies can be different shapes and sizes AND get into all sorts of funny positions in there is it really surprising that we "show" at different rates and in different ways. I always wished I could have one of those nice neat little soccer ball bellies that many women seem to get rather than just looking like I have done nothing but eat for the past six months but that is just the way I am and I need to accept that.
5. You are brave!
This seems to be one I am getting a lot this time around. WHY? Because I am having my third child? Because I am having a baby at all? I don't understand this one and I am not sure I ever will. It is very brave to embark on the never ending journey that is parenthood but obviously it is something we are doing willingly and even happily. What is the point in this comment? It just baffles me.
But then we get to the upsetting, distressing and downright nasty/dangerous things pregnant woman get told:
1. Your morning sickness/back ache/pelvic pain is all your own fault! after all you decided to have a baby didn't you!
Well actually this time around I didn't but that is beside the point. What does wanting a child have to do with pain or suffering that can unfortunately go with pregnancy? Do you think it will make me feel better? Does your saying that somehow remind me that this will be all worth it in the end and hey presto I feel better? No this is a comment designed to make the commentator feel better. The fact that you are suffering bothers them and they can't do anything to help you, but they remind themselves that you did voluntarily enter into your current physical state so that is ok. These same people would never dream of telling someone dying of lung cancer that they did smoke so therefore it is all their own fault. Or a paraplegic that they were the ones speeding when their car crashed. But somehow the fact that you are in pain of feel like death can be dismissed because you are pregnant.
2. Don't worry about that that is normal!
This is one I have heard more than a few times. I got told that my son slowing down in his movements was normal, that the pain in my back was normal etc etc. None of these things are normal. If it is bothering you talk to your health carer. A lot of these so called "normal" problems and conditions during pregnancy can be helped if not fixed. Don't listen to anyone telling you something is normal if it is bothering you. As a matter of fact in the case of my son's movements it indicated he was in distress and that was something the doctor needed to know. If I had not said something about it I hate to think what might have happened.
3. We never worried about that in MY day!
The same people that will tell you they didn't worry about eating soft cheeses or drinking or smoking in "their" day will probably tell you how wonderful it is that medicine has come so far. Just because someone 20 or 30 years ago didn't worry about these things does not mean you should not. Again this can be just down right dangerous advice. If you have been told to worry about it, then worry about it. It is your baby and just because the person giving you the "advice" didn't have any problems it doesn't mean there are not plenty of other people who did. With the taboo around talking about pregnancy and neonatal loss it is quiet possible that at least some of these people DID have a problem with it they just don't know that is what caused their loss.
4. Wow you are huge/are not that big!
This is one of those comments that can be annoying or down right hurtful. There are a lot of things that dictate what "size" a pregnant woman will be. There is a good reason why doctors and midwives don't use your physical appearance to judge the growth of the baby or how far along you are, it is too variable! So having someone tell you you are huge when you are 20 weeks pregnant just makes you feel self conscious. On the other side being told you are small for how far along you are can also make you feel self conscious or even worried about your baby. Given that we are all different shapes and sizes to begin with and babies can be different shapes and sizes AND get into all sorts of funny positions in there is it really surprising that we "show" at different rates and in different ways. I always wished I could have one of those nice neat little soccer ball bellies that many women seem to get rather than just looking like I have done nothing but eat for the past six months but that is just the way I am and I need to accept that.
5. You are brave!
This seems to be one I am getting a lot this time around. WHY? Because I am having my third child? Because I am having a baby at all? I don't understand this one and I am not sure I ever will. It is very brave to embark on the never ending journey that is parenthood but obviously it is something we are doing willingly and even happily. What is the point in this comment? It just baffles me.
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