It is amazing when you are pregnant how your well being seems to become everyone else business. Everyone seems to have advice or an opinion on what you should be eating/wearing/doing/not doing/even thinking. And a lot of that advice or opinions are contradictory. One thing you really need to do is think for yourself. Listen to what everyone says but give weight to those you trust, your doctor your midwife etc. Don't listen if something your elderly aunt says contradicts what your midwife has told you, who is really going to know more, the woman who had children a long long time ago or someone who has studied medicine for years. Most of the advice is pretty banal, but it can also get downright bizarre. Like the number of times I have been told that my having heart burn while I am pregnant means my baby is going to be born with hair. What the...? What the hell does the fact that my esophagus does not function entirely well (at any time, I don't just get reflux or heartburn when I am pregnant) have to do with the follicle growth of my baby?
But then we get to the upsetting, distressing and downright nasty/dangerous things pregnant woman get told:
1. Your morning sickness/back ache/pelvic pain is all your own fault! after all you decided to have a baby didn't you!
Well actually this time around I didn't but that is beside the point. What does wanting a child have to do with pain or suffering that can unfortunately go with pregnancy? Do you think it will make me feel better? Does your saying that somehow remind me that this will be all worth it in the end and hey presto I feel better? No this is a comment designed to make the commentator feel better. The fact that you are suffering bothers them and they can't do anything to help you, but they remind themselves that you did voluntarily enter into your current physical state so that is ok. These same people would never dream of telling someone dying of lung cancer that they did smoke so therefore it is all their own fault. Or a paraplegic that they were the ones speeding when their car crashed. But somehow the fact that you are in pain of feel like death can be dismissed because you are pregnant.
2. Don't worry about that that is normal!
This is one I have heard more than a few times. I got told that my son slowing down in his movements was normal, that the pain in my back was normal etc etc. None of these things are normal. If it is bothering you talk to your health carer. A lot of these so called "normal" problems and conditions during pregnancy can be helped if not fixed. Don't listen to anyone telling you something is normal if it is bothering you. As a matter of fact in the case of my son's movements it indicated he was in distress and that was something the doctor needed to know. If I had not said something about it I hate to think what might have happened.
3. We never worried about that in MY day!
The same people that will tell you they didn't worry about eating soft cheeses or drinking or smoking in "their" day will probably tell you how wonderful it is that medicine has come so far. Just because someone 20 or 30 years ago didn't worry about these things does not mean you should not. Again this can be just down right dangerous advice. If you have been told to worry about it, then worry about it. It is your baby and just because the person giving you the "advice" didn't have any problems it doesn't mean there are not plenty of other people who did. With the taboo around talking about pregnancy and neonatal loss it is quiet possible that at least some of these people DID have a problem with it they just don't know that is what caused their loss.
4. Wow you are huge/are not that big!
This is one of those comments that can be annoying or down right hurtful. There are a lot of things that dictate what "size" a pregnant woman will be. There is a good reason why doctors and midwives don't use your physical appearance to judge the growth of the baby or how far along you are, it is too variable! So having someone tell you you are huge when you are 20 weeks pregnant just makes you feel self conscious. On the other side being told you are small for how far along you are can also make you feel self conscious or even worried about your baby. Given that we are all different shapes and sizes to begin with and babies can be different shapes and sizes AND get into all sorts of funny positions in there is it really surprising that we "show" at different rates and in different ways. I always wished I could have one of those nice neat little soccer ball bellies that many women seem to get rather than just looking like I have done nothing but eat for the past six months but that is just the way I am and I need to accept that.
5. You are brave!
This seems to be one I am getting a lot this time around. WHY? Because I am having my third child? Because I am having a baby at all? I don't understand this one and I am not sure I ever will. It is very brave to embark on the never ending journey that is parenthood but obviously it is something we are doing willingly and even happily. What is the point in this comment? It just baffles me.
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